Why I feel awful.

This post requires some background.

First, I know I'm hard on myself. I always have been. I try not to be hard on other too. This caused problems my freshman year. I lamented out loud that I didn't sing very well. My roommate got really upset, she thought I could sing pretty well, and since she didn't sing at all, she thought my "not singing well" was really telling her she was awful. Maybe that was her problem, but I guess in being hard on myself, it often comes across that other people are even worse? I don't know how that works. Don't interpret this post that way.

The second vital piece of info is that a few weeks ago Stuart mentioned that Alana could pull herself off her feet in her crib, so she'd almost fall out. Since then, I have been religious about making sure the crib side is up, since there's no way she can fall out that way.

Finally, Alana is cutting teeth this week. She's still quite a pleasant little gal, but it definitely makes her wake up more during the night. She's been sleeping 8-12 hours straight for the last 6 weeks or so (which has been heaven!) But the last couple of nights has been more like 3-5 hours straight. Very difficult, but I haven't really been letting her cry since I know she's not just getting up to play or anything. She's just uncomfortable and needs me to comfort her.

ANYWAY, on to the story:

Last night Alana went to bed without a fuss (I think I've discovered that her magic bedtime is closer to 8, I can put her in her bed awake and she doesn't cry, just falls to sleep within a few minutes!) However, she woke up very early in the morning, and I could just tell it wasn't any later than 3 am. I was sort of out of it, and I got up to get her, when I realized she didn't need to nurse, so I went back to bed without even checking on her. She continued to cry, and a few minutes later I heard a little boom, followed by louder crying. 5 seconds later my brain panicked and I thought, "she probably fell out of her crib." I didn't know how that could have happened, but I rushed into her room and she was on the floor crawling toward the door. My heart broke, I felt TERRIBLE. My little baby had fallen, and I didn't know if she was ok. She actually wasn't crying as hard as when she's bonked her head before, so I thought she was probably ok. I nursed her back to sleep (she calmed down pretty easily) and then I just cuddled her against my chest and kissed her little head. I could not believe I had forgotten to raise the side of the crib.

So, now the side is permanently raised, even though it's more difficult for my short self to put her in it when she's sleeping. I don't want to risk her falling again.

Later this morning, I put her in her crib with the side down to see what she would do. She fell out by just bending over the side, and gravity pulled her head down. She could have landed on her head and broken her neck. I'm grateful for the angels that were watching out for her, and I know I'm a first time mom freaking out about something that isn't that important, but I still feel awful.

She hasn't been especially unhappy today, other than the normal clinginess that accompanies teething. She's so sweet.