Hidden Messages

I've been reading a book called Hidden Messages: what our words and actions are really telling our children and I really have learned a lot. Many of the lessons seem pretty intuitive, but I'm hoping to cement them in my mind so they can become part of how I am as a parent. I just wanted to share a few of the ideas that struck me.

First, I have heard SO many people tell me, "Enjoy that baby, because once she's a teenager, watch out!" I read a quote that finally clarifies how I feel about this notion that teenagers are horrible people. The author, Elizabeth Pantley, is talking about making time for your children:
"What would happen if, today, all parents made thei children their top priority? Nowadays, we often complain about teenagers and their lack of respect for adults, and we worry about the anger and lack of direction that seem to plague them to the point of violence; yet, I meet many parents who tell me that their teenagers are wonderful young people and that they enjoy their children now, just as they always have. Therein lies the lesson: We need to begin, right now, to see each second as a gift, as an opportunity to savor where we all are now--whether we do this by playing, conversing, or simply being together with our children. In so doing, we may weave a lifeline that continues to hold throughout the years. When that Lego city gets built, so does the foundation to a future. And a minute of time for a child will someday be worth its equivalent in hours to the adult she becomes. The time we spend with our children at this very moment--nurturing, teaching, and loving them--is the substance that helps mold them into the people that they will become." pp. 153
I have a friend who loves the ages of her kids (oldest 11 and youngest 6). She said to me "if you're good to them, they'll be good to you." So, my goal, as Elder Ballard admonished in the last general conference, is to cherish every moment.

Another interesting thing I read was a checklist of how parents communicate with their children. You can substitute child for any other person you talk with!
1. I looked into my child's eyes as I listened
2. My child told me something I didn't know
3. I asked my child a questions and then listened to the entire answer without interrupting
4. I put down whatever was in my hands to show my child my full attention.
5. I was available to my child when he or she wanted to talk to me.
6. As I listened to my child, I help back at least 1 unproductive comment.
7. I laughed at something funny that my child said.

Last week Stuart was talking to me, and I was holding Alana, as well as watching TV. When he finished talking to me, I realized I hadn't even heard 1 word he said. I was so embarrassed that I had tuned out one of the most important people in my life. Hopefully I will become a better listener!!